On worry:

I have this picture in my mind of the thing my grandma was attached to in the nursing home… it was this little plastic device, and one part was clipped to her shirt with a string attached to the box and whenever she moved it would get disconnected and set off an alarm.

the machine was as monitor, something to alert the nurses because they couldn’t always be there. That's a lot like worry.

Whenever there is a shift in my daily activities or my thoughts, and I notice a disconnect between that and whatever has been on my heart, I worry about it. I think, “what does this mean?” “What if…” and it’s hard to be present in the here and now. I’m consumed with something that doesn’t exist, as if I have any control. I mean, I probably will have control of it eventually, but here and now, there is usually nothing I can do- nothing that worrying will help. I can imagine that alarm squealing, bouncing off the empty hallways and hard surfaces in my mind. It is shrill, it is fearful, it is helpless, and it is unnecessary, because my father sits by my side. I’m free to move about because he is watching.

God is always watching me, I am always in his care. I don’t need another monitor.

back in action.

it's been a super long time since i've been here!

i was just being thoughtful and remembered how i used to pour over the keyboard... i feel like i've grown up so much in the past couple of years.

right now i'm frustrated. things change, but they never REALLY do. well, i'm not terribly patient either but for now- that's the way i feel. appearances change, we grow and learn new words and new concepts, learn how to talk and how to act and what to do, but deep down we are enslaved by insecurity.

there i go saying "we" when what i mean to say is "me".

i'm just being melancholy. but really- i'm 22 now. can i get over it, please? i don't want to grow up this way. i want to move foreward. make some progress. conquer.

so give me your thoughts:

"if you don't guess, you can't be corrected."

boys. what the crap?

"one of the deepest ways a woman bears the image of God is in her mystery. by "mystery" we don't mean "forever beyond your knowing" but "something to be explored". "it is the glory of god to conceal a matter," says the book of proverbs, "to search out a matter is the glory of kings" (25:52). God yearns to be known. but he wants to be sought after by those who would know him. He says, "you will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart" (Jer. 29:13). there is dignity here; God does not throw himself at any passerby. He is no harlot. If you would know him, you must love him; you must seek him with your whole heart. this is crucial to any woman's soul, not to mention her sexuality. "you cannot simply have me. you must seek me, pursue me. i won't let you in unless i know you love me."  -from the book "captivating"